The Evangelion Mirror World
by Kagerow
Summary: Effed Up FanFiction Press presents: An Eva parody revolving around the events that would happen if everyone's personalities were opposite! Beware: Incredibly weird, disturbing !not really! and funny. Enjoy!
1. Welcome to NERV!

K: Huzzah! And welcome to the first chapter of Evangelion: Mirror World.

P: This story descri-

K: That's right, P. So enjoy chapter one!

This chapter dedicated to the Air Hockey table that inspired so much of it.

Disclaimer: Eva and its creamy chocolate center isn't ours…

* * *

Episode 1: Welcome to NERV

Shinji stood in the center of a public street. He looked down at the pavement. This was where he was told to wait, but where was his ride? He pulled a picture out of his pocket. It was of a woman named Misato.

Misato was sitting on a stool in nun's clothes. She signed the back.

_Hey there, Shinji. I work with your dad. Hope to see you soon! _

_P.S. Alcohol is bad._

_P.P.S Drugs are O.K. though…._

Shinji just stared. Wasn't she a nun? A car horn made him look up. Someone was in a green beat-up sports car next to him.

"Get off the road!" screamed a fat man with a bald patch. Shinji just stared before smiling.

"I'm straight," he said. Suddenly a red sports car squealed to a halt behind the green car. A woman stepped out. She was the woman from the picture he had. She was wearing a red jacket and some kind of skirt. She turned to the guy in the green car.

Misato pulled out a baseball bat and smashed in the front window of the green car. "What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch?!" shouted the guy in the car.

"Let that be a lesson to you!" yelled Misato. "How dare you yell at someone for standing in the middle of a public street!" The man in the car just stared blankly for a few seconds.

Then he pulled out a gun.

"Run!" screamed Misato, dragging Shinji behind. "Just get in the car, go!"

"I'm straight!!" shouted Shinji. Bullets flew through the air. One of them hit Misato. She screamed in pain.

"Misato!" shouted Shinji. "Are you all right?" Misato through him in front of an elevator and grabbed the steel cage behind him.

"Never mind me! You have to rescue her!" Misato called, clutching her bullet wound.

"…rescue who?" asked Shinji. Misato stood up.

"Oh, right," she said shaking her head. "That doesn't happen till the movie. My bad." She stood up and walked over to the car door.

"Wait, weren't we just in front of an elevator?" asked Shinji. Misato stared blankly.

"I don't remember that," she said.

"How can you not remember?!" he demanded, staring at her in disbelief. Misato turned dramatically and clutched her head.

"Because all the heroin has killed my few brain cells!" she shouted.

"You do drugs?! I thought you were a nun!?"

"Stupid!" she began. "I'm only a nun on Saturdays!"

"Of course!" exclaimed Shinji. "It's so obvious!" He walked around to the other side of the car and opened the passenger door. He sat down on the leather seat. Misato joined him. A bullet zoomed through the windshield of the car. "Drive, drive!" shouted Shinji.

"Oh right," began Misato. "We're being shot at. I thought the author dropped that," Shinji stared anxiously, waiting for her to drive. She just sat there. Then she grabbed her seatbelt and started to try and click it in. She smiled. "Buckle up for safety!"

"Just drive!" exclaimed Shinji.

"Pushy bastard," she muttered. She through it in reverse and took off.

Hours later, Misato said they were nearing there destination. Shinji looked at the houses as they drove by them.

"Why did I have to go all the way to that city to get picked up by you?" he asked.

"Because it's a midpoint for us to meet," Misato explained.

"Where do you live?" he asked.

"In an apartment complex five minutes down the road," she said. They drove by another set of houses.

"That's my house right there…" He stared out the window as the sun set. "Hey Misato?"

"Call me Ms. Katsuragi," Misato said.

"Okay… Ms. Katsuragi?" he tried.

"Oh you can call me Misato," she explained.

"…Oooooo-kaaaay…Misato?" he tried once more. Misato blushed.

"Shinji, please, I know I'm fine, but I'm an un-practicing nun every other Saturday!" Misato exclaimed, waving him away. "Restrain your adolescent sexual urges!"

"…I don't care how straight I am, you're like forty…" he muttered.

"What was that?" Misato shot him a look that would kill him if it had the power.

"I said I'll try,"

Minutes later, the car was descending into the depths of NERV. Shinji looked out in amazement. "This is amazing!" said Shinji.

"I know!" Misato exclaimed. "They even fit the Big Gulp cup!" Misato placed a giant plastic cup into the cup-holder. Shinji just stared at her. Misato grinned as the car stopped. She stepped out onto the platform. "Now follow me to a land of mystery and wonder!"

"It sounds like your reading that off the back of a brochure," Shinji commented. Misato laughed nervously.

"What makes you think that?" she asked as she crumpled up "A Visitor's Complete Guide to NERV". Shinji sighed and just followed her down the hallway.

They'd been walking for twenty minutes when Shinji finally groaned. "Do you even know where you're going?" he asked.

"I _would_ if somebody hadn't made me crumple up my map…" Misato grumbled. They were walking for another five minutes before Misato tripped. At the same time the door in front of her opened and a blonde woman with a doctor's coat on walked through. Misato landed face first in the doctor's chest.

"Well, jeez Misato," Ritsuko sighed. "The least you could do is buy me a drink first,"

"Shut up!" Misato yelled as she pulled her face out from Ritsuko's chest. "But they _are_ nice,"

"_Thank _you!" Ritsuko exclaimed. "I had the surgery,"

"So it went well?" Misato asked.

"See for yourself," Ritsuko said, motioning towards her chest. Misato cupped one with her hand.

"Huh, they feel so natural," Misato commented.

"Hello?" Shinji said behind them. His face was completely red.

"Oh!" Misato exclaimed, dropping her hands. "Sorry, thought I was in college for a sec. Shall we move on?" Misato walked down the hall that Ritsuko just came from.

"Central Dogma's this way," Ritsuko pointed. Misato turned and started storming down the hall in a mix of embarrassment and rage. Shinji looked at Ritsuko.

"Is she always like this?" asked Shinji.

"You should see her when she takes a hit of acid," Ritsuko said nonchalantly and started following Misato. After forcing the image of a wasted Misato screaming what a great time she was having with all the guys while running around in her underwear at a gay bar, Shinji followed Ritsuko.

Later, as they descended farther into the depths of NERV, Shinji stared at the underground complex ahead of them. He was shocked. "I'm shocked!" Shinji gasped.

"Yes, this is all an amazing underground bio-dome that exists here, under the city of Tokyo 48.5. It was a cultivated land built on the shattered remains of the workers that died trying to construct it," Ritsuko explained.

"Nerd," Misato said under her breath. Ritsuko just stared for a few seconds.

"That…was _so_ hurtful…" Ritsuko said as she started to cry. "Why would you say something like that?! You know how I struggle to learn things! I finally figured out what this place was and you say something like _that_?!"

Ritsuko went on for a while complaining about how hurtful Misato had been, so they left her alone in the elevator. Shinji and Misato proceeded to a hall that was unlit. She smiled and waited for what she knew would come.

Suddenly a spotlight fell on a man up above them. He bore a strong similarity to Shinji and had orange colored sunglasses. He spoke.

"Shinji," he said sternly. "I…am Gendo. Your pim- sorry, your father," Shinji looked at the floor. Misato walked over to him.

"Are you two on bad terms?" she asked in a concerned tone.

"Sort of…" Shinji started. "He hasn't talked to me since…since…"

"Go on Shinji, it's okay," Misato said soothingly.

"He hasn't talked to me…" started Shinji. "Since breakfast this morning!" Misato turned to Gendo with a look of anger.

"You bastard!" she shouted at Gendo.

"That's enough, Katsuragi," Gendo said.

"You can call me Misato," Misato explained.

"Okay, Misato," Gendo tried.

"How rude!" Misato yelled. "I'm your employee, and just because I'm a woman doesn't mean you can treat like a sex object! _You_ can call me Katsuragi!" She stormed off, muttering "Men…" as she left the scene.

"Um…okay then," Gendo said, re-adjusting his glasses. "Er…Shinji! You have to pilot…this!"

The lights flashed on and Shinji saw what was labeled as Evangelion Unit-1 in front of him. He stared at the purple horn on its head. "That's not sexually arousing at all," Shinji said.

"Shinji…this…" Gendo paused for dramatic effect. "…is an Evangelion!"

"What's an Evangelion?" asked Shinji.

"That!" Gendo pointed at the purple machine.

"So what's _that_, then?" Shinji pointed in the same general direction.

"That's a horn, stupid," Gendo growled.

"Not the horn!" Shinji defended. "The thing it's attached to!"

"That would be the head, Shinji," Gendo said, spacing his words so they would be easy to understand.

"…whatever," Shinji muttered. "So you want me to pilot this?"

"You have to!" Gendo shouted.

"Fine," Shinji said. "How do I get in?"

"With three drinks and a lot of lube," Gendo said. Shinji stared blankly.

"I was talking about the Eva," Shinji replied.

"I know," Gendo responded. "Now go!"

"I don't know how," Shinji said.

"So you won't do it?" Gendo demanded.

"No, I just don't know _how_," Shinji explained.

"Shinji!" Gendo shouted. "You are the only hope for the human race! If you don't get in we're going to die!"

"I _want_ to get in!" Shinji shouted. "I just _don't-know-how_!"

"Fine!" Gendo motioned for something. "Then we'll have to make _her_ do it!"

A hospital bed was being wheeled up behind Shinji. He turned around to face Ritsuko pushing in a girl with very light blue hair. She was lying on a hospital bed. Ritsuko pushed the bed next to Shinji.

"This…" Gendo paused for dramatic effect. Again. "Is Rei Ayanami!" Shinji stared at the girl.

"…she's dead," Shinji said.

"Ritsuko, prep Unit-1 for Rei," Gendo instructed. Ritsuko picked up the limp body of the girl and readied her for piloting. She chucked the body into the entry plug. "Last chance, Shinji,"

"I want to pilot the God Damned Eva!" Shinji screamed.

"…fine," Gendo said calmly. "Send Unit-1 up to the city," Unit-1 was soon flying up to the city above. As soon as it appeared on the dark streets a creature charged after it. "That, Shinji, is an Angel," he explained.

The creature grabbed the unmoving Evangelion and whipped it across the city. It crashed into a few buildings. "The pilot's taking major damage!" shouted someone monitoring the screens.

"See Shinji?" Gendo said coldly. "She's going to die because you refused to pilot it,"

"She's already dead!" shouted Shinji.

"I know," Gendo said. "At this point you've guaranteed she'll die,"

"I mean you threw her dead body into the Entry Plug!" Shinji exclaimed.

"I know. Her fate was sealed the second she walked into that entry plug…" Gendo said sullenly.

"JUST PUT ME IN THE GOD DAMN EVA!" Shinji screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Woah, buddy. No reason to shout it," he said. "If you wanted to pilot you should've just said so,"

"Fine!" Shinji shouted. "Now how are you going to get the Eva back down here?"

"We don't have to," Gendo said. Shinji stared in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" asked Shinji. He blinked and suddenly the Eva was right back next to him in the loading bay. "What the hell? How…?"

"…Jesus?" Gendo suggested.

"Oh! Of course!" Shinji exclaimed.

"No, not Jesus, you idiot!" Gendo exclaimed. "That was Eva Unit-1! This is Eva Unit-_0­_1! Now go!"

"Right!" Shinji exclaimed. He jumped into the entry plug. The Eva skyrocketed to the surface and he was soon face to face with his enemy. "Let's go!" he shouted, and the fight began.

* * *

DUN DUN DUUUUUUH! What a cliff hanger!

* * *

That's chapter one, gang. Hope you liked! Please review! Much appreciated, those reviews. Thanks for reading, and we'll see you in –insert allotted time here- with chapter 2!

Please review!


	2. A Sequence of Inoppurtune Happenings

P: Five reviews! Five reviews on the first chapter! Thanks everyone!

Crowd: -silence-

K: Thanks for the five reviews everyone!

Crowd: You're welcome!

P: But I just…and…

K: P, no one wants to hear about how much you ate at that buffet.

P: Screw you, K!

Thanks for reading guys, and hope you enjoy this next chapter even more!

This chapter dedicated to Misato's college years, which proved there was no limit on experimenting.

Disclaimer: Eva and all of the series children friendly images aren't ours.

* * *

Episode 2: A Sequence of Inopportune Happenings, Because a Series of Unfortunate Events is copyrighted.

Unit-01 stood in front of the creature. "He's in front of the creature!" called Maya from her seat. Shinji smiled nervously inside his Eva. It would be hard, but he would win this fight. If not for him, then for the dead chick sitting in the no-longer-in-the-story Unit-1. Both Shinji and the angel charged. The creature balled his hand into a fist and stuck it in front of Shinji at the same time Shinji raised the open hand of his Eva.

Both stared at each others hands; the Eva's open palm facing the street and the Angel's fist a few feet next to it. Shinji grinned.

"Paper covers rock!" Shinji screamed in joy. The Angel observed the results of the intense and long battle. Shinji placed his hand on top of the Angel's fist. Suddenly the Angel exploded. The fierce battle was over.

"He won!" screamed everyone in Central Dogma. Someone started shaking a bottle of champagne until the cork burst out. It hit Maya in the eye. She collapsed to the ground, unconscious from the loss of blood. Everyone stared at her for a second, and then resumed cheering as Maya bleed on the ground with half a cork lodged inside her left eye.

The champagne was sprayed all over the room, frying the computers in front of them to no end. Sparks flew out and hit someone else, making them collapse.

"Oh my God!" shouted Misato. "Somebody contact the medical staff!" She ran over to the unconscious shock victim. Maya's body was in the way, so she stepped on her face, lodging the cork in deeper. "This man is suffering from that electric shock! We need to get help!"

Everyone nodded and ran off to find a medical team, leaving Maya's cold body alone on the floor.

Shinji smiled and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he was in a hospital. He rubbed his head. When he started to get a clear image of his surroundings, he sat up. Misato was standing in the hall with her sunglasses on.

"Misato?" Shinji asked.

"I've been instructed to drive you home," she said. Shinji nodded and followed her. He stared for a second, trying to figure out what was different. He finally put his finger on it.

"Where's your shirt?" he asked. Misato looked down.

"It's been missing since I woke up in that Sunday school kindergarten class…" Misato faded out muttering something about the grabby hands of five year olds. She pushed the call button on the elevator and waited. Shinji just stared and was about to make a comment about how cold it must be in the hospital when the doors to the elevator slid open.

Gendo looked down at Shinji. Shinji stared back. There was silence for a few seconds before Gendo smiled. "Shinji! My favorite son!"

"Dad! My favorite dad!" Shinji called. "What's in the bag?" Shinji pointed to something next to Gendo.

"Shinji, that's Ritsuko," Gendo said. "You met her already."

"Oh…" Shinji said with a hint of disgust. "…hi,"

"So Shinji, you doin' alright?" asked Gendo, giving him a pat on the shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm okay. So what's for dinner tonight?" Shinji asked.

"About that…" Gendo started. "You're going to be living with Misato for a while so I can devote all of my intention to some random person I'm going to meet. Bye!"

"But Gendo!" Misato started. "He can't stay at my house tonight! Tonight's when I go to the senior center and perform a strip tease for all the old men who are dead from the waste down!"

"Why would you do that!?" exclaimed Shinji.

"It's the duty of a nun," Misato said.

"Nun's do that?" he asked hesitantly.

"It's the duty of a nun to perform good deeds for those who can't get it up anymore," Misato explained.

"Later Shinji!" the elevator door closed and Gendo was gone. Misato glared at Shinji.

"Like this is my fault?" Shinji muttered. Misato sighed and led the way to her car. She pulled open her door and stuck the keys in the ignition. Shinji pulled open the passenger side door and sat down. Misato said nothing the entire ride back. When they pulled up in front of a building Shinji just stared.

"Welcome to my home," Misato said. She walked up a flight of stairs and pushed open a door. Shinji walked in, expecting to see a mess. Instead, he saw a clean and tidy apartment with everything in order. Misato pulled open the fridge. "How's chicken sound for dinner?" she asked, pulling out a plastic package.

"Great!" said Shinji, a little surprised at the offer.

"Too bad. I don't have any," Misato set the package down on the counter. It was a bag of chips.

"Why do you keep chips in the fridge?" he asked.

"I like my potatoes crunchy and cold," Misato grumbled. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed," She walked towards a room opposite the entrance to the apartment.

"But it's only four in the afternoon," he said.

"Then I'm going to watch TV," she argued.

"It's Sunday, nothing's on," Shinji continued.

"Then I'll go play a video game," Misato grumbled.

"You don't own any," Shinji said.

"I'M GOING TO SMOKE CRACK!" Misato shouted. "Got anything to say to that one?!"

"Misato!" called someone from outside. "Can I get a hit?!"

"Shut up, Fred!" Misato yelled back. She slammed the door to her room, leaving Shinji alone in the kitchen. Shinji stared at her door for a few seconds, wondering if she was serious, then walked into another room in the house, labeled "Shin's Room".

"How'd she do that without knowing I was coming over?" Shinji thought out loud.

"I'm freakin' Jesus!" Misato shouted from her room. "Now shut up!" Shinji sighed and went into his room. The sun set and rose on a Monday.

"Shinji, time to get up!" called Misato. Shinji groaned and sat up; confused as to how he fell asleep when the sun was still high in the sky. He walked out into the kitchen and sat down in front of a plate of toast. He grabbed what looked like a glass of water next to his meal. He spat it out the second it hit his tongue.

"What the hell is this?!" he shouted, wiping his mouth.

"Vodka," Misato said from across the table.

"Why did you pour me a glass of vodka for breakfast?!" Shinji yelled.

"Because today you're starting school," Misato said. "I figured you'd need a good drink. Of course I wouldn't know. I've never touched the stuff,"

"…you've never had a drink? And you're what, forty?" Shinji asked honestly.

"I'm only sixteen!" called Misato. "And I'm a nun every other Saturday for tax purposes, I can't drink,"

"Then how would you know if I'd need it after…or before…a school day?" he asked her.

"Because the people at those AA meetings say they have some before school," Misato said.

"You go to AA meetings?" he asked.

"No, bitch," Misato commented. "I run them,"

"…but you've never had a drink…" Shinji thought aloud.

"Exactly! That way I know what they're going through!" Misato persisted. "Now drink up if you want to be a strong boy!"

"Great, I'm living with Lindsey Lohan," Shinji muttered. After Shinji had escaped from Misato he had started walking to school. On his way there he ran into someone who looked familiar. She had light blue hair and bandages around her head. "Holy Shit! Rei!" Shinji screamed. The girl turned around.

"Like, yeah?" she asked, twirling her hair in her fingers. "What is it?"

"You're alive!" he shouted.

"In more ways then one," Rei said with a wink. "How 'bout after school today we get together and you show me your Unit-01?" She grinned and started walking towards school again. "It's okay if yours isn't that big, I've been in a few on my own," She snapped her gum as she faded out of sight.

When Shinji managed to find his classroom, he saw Rei was in his class. He blinked a few times in surprise. Rei waved to him. "Hey Shin!" she screamed across the class. "How's about you show me your Prog Knife later?" Everyone in the class stopped talking and looked at Shinji.

Shinji couldn't think of anything to say. A girl with dark hair tied in pigtails and freckles on her complexion walked up to Rei. "What up, girl!?" exclaimed Rei. "How's it goin', Hikari?" The girl, now identified as Hikari smiled.

"I appreciate your enthusiasm, but can you keep your slutty ways out of the class?" Hikari said with a grin. "Thanks, oh, and if you could _not_ shout out how easy you are to my boyfriend, I'd love it,"

Rei stared in complete and total shock. Hikari waved. "Bye now! Have a nice day!" She walked over to another kid in the class wearing a gym uniform and sat on his lap. They immediately kissed and then she returned to her own seat as the teacher walked in. Shinji took the only available seat next to the kid in gym clothes and let the class begin.

"Dude," the kid next to him in gym clothes started talking to him. "You doin' Rei?"

"What!?" Shinji thought about what he said. "I just met her! Yesterday I thought she was dead!"

"That boring, huh?" asked the kid. "I'm Toji, by the way. You pilot one of those Eva things, right? Awesome. I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to hate people like you. Especially not for my sister, who's currently in the classroom next to ours, not injured in any way."

"That's…great?" Shinji tried. "I'm Shinji," He offered a hand. Toji punched him in the face. "What the hell?!" Shinji called from the floor.

"That's how he says hi," Hikari explained from the seat on the other Side of Shinji. "It's how he met me on our first date!" Hikari said.

"I remember that!" Toji laughed. "You were out cold for a solid five minutes!"

"Yeah!" Hikari smiled. She was missing one of her front teeth. "It was so romantic,"

"Did they ever find your tooth?" he asked.

"No," Hikari started. "They think a squirrel ate it," She was lost in thought for a moment, probably to the fact that a squirrel managed to eat a person's tooth. Then she turned to Shinji. "Anyway! It's nice to meet you!"

Shinji answered and smiled back hesitantly. He was practically counting the seconds down by the end of the school day.

* * *

After school, he was standing next to Rei.

"It's soooo big…" Rei said in awe.

"Really?" Shinji asked. "I've never really had anything to compare it to,"

"Can I touch it?" she asked.

"I don't see why not," he returned. Rei reached a hand forward when the lights flicked on. Gendo was standing in the door way to the room they were in. He just stared in shock. Then he saw the scene.

Rei's hand was inches away from Unit-01. They were in NERV. The thing in front of them was still warm from Shinji's battle in it the other day. She looked at Gendo.

"Rei!" Gendo called. Rei ran towards him.

"Like, oh my gosh!" Rei called. "What's up?" she asked. Gendo looked at her.

"What were you two doing?" he asked.

"I was about to touch Unit-01," Rei explained. "Why?"

"…No reason," he said. "Shinji! My son! This is the chick who's replacing you at home!"

"…I thought you said it was some stranger you were going to meet at the hospital," Shinji asked.

"Nope, I said Rei," Gendo argued. Shinji just sighed and accepted it. Suddenly an alarm sounded. "Shinji! Do you know what that means?!"

"Another angel?!" Shinji asked dramatically.

"No, it's time for you to get a reward for risking your life to protect this city. Idiot! Of course it's an angel!" Gendo shouted. "Like you'd get something for risking your life…" Gendo laughed to himself before continuing. "Now…get in your Eva's! Rei will help you this time!" Shinji nodded and both of them ran towards their Eva's. It was time for another fierce battle.

* * *

Not as good as the last one, true, but it'll only get better. That much we promise you. In fact, we'll even give you a preview of next chapter!

NEXT TIME: Something related to Evangelion will occur in the dramatic third chapter!

Wow! Aren't you excited?! I know I am! Alright then peoples, please review with your thoughts, comments, or maybe even just plain fandom. Much appreciated, and thanks for reading!


	3. Kill Gendo Vol 1

P: Well guys, thanks for the reviews!

K: P, will you-

P: No! This time I'm ready for you! (pulls out gun. Shoots K) Now who's in charge!

K: No one was in charge! Why did you shoot me?!

P: …'cuz it was fun?

This chapter dedicated to several Quentin Tarantino movies. You know the ones I mean.

Disclaimer: The only Eva we own is this generic Shaw's version.

* * *

_"About that…" Gendo started. "You're going to be living with Misato for a while so I can devote all of my intention to some random person I'm going to meet. Bye!" _

_"But Gendo!" Misato started. "He can't stay at my house tonight! Tonight's when I go to the senior center and perform a strip tease for all the old men who are dead from the waste down!"_

_"Later Shinji!" the elevator door closed and Gendo was gone. Misato glared at Shinji._

Misato drove a car down the rode. She turned towards the camera positioned in front of her. "I looked pretty screwed, didn't I?" She paused. "Well I was. Thanks to him, I couldn't do anything that night because I was stuck at home not watching Shinji all night. Well that's fine. Because right now," The camera zooms out to show her driving in a car. "I'm driving in a car. And that car, is on a street. And that street is in a city. And in that city, is my destination.

"And once I arrive at the end of this street, and make a few turns, and travel to the other side of the city, I'll have arrived at the place I need to be. And once I'm at the place I need to be, once I've arrived at my destination, I am gonna Kill Gendo,"

* * *

Episode 3: Kill Gendo Vol. 1

* * *

THE NIGHT OF MISATO'S BOREDOM, WHEN SHE WAS FORCED TO STAY HOME AND NOT WATCH SHINJI 

The front door to Misato's apartment slid open. Shinji was already asleep, like she had been told. Ritsuko walked in, the clack of her high heels against the floor was the only sound. She walked quickly down a long hallway in Misato's apartment that had not previously been there, and wouldn't be there after this moment.

Ritsuko's high heels clacked along the smooth white floor as she whistled. She walked holding a bag close to her side. Before she hit the end of the hallway she turned left and pulled open a door. She pulled out a uniform out of her bag. She changed clothes slowly, dramatically. Ritsuko rolled up her old clothes and shoved them in the bag. She slung it back onto her shoulder and prepared her extremely elaborate death plan. Once the gun was ready, she stepped back into the hall.

Ritsuko stepped forward a few paces in her maid's uniform. The gun was hidden under a feather duster. A full-scale orchestra seemed to appear out of nowhere and started to play the tune Ritsuko was whistling. She stared at them in confusion, before shrugging and walking forward again. Ritsuko was almost to the door of Misato's room when she suddenly fell to the ground.

"Damn it!" she yelled, ruining her dramatic whistle and throwing off the orchestra. "I can't walk in these things!" Ritsuko pulled off her shoe to examine the 13 inch heel she was wearing. "Oh shit! I broke a frigging heel! What the hell?!"

Misato opened the door to her room. She stared at Ritsuko, who was sitting on the floor of Misato's apartment, holding a broken thirteen inch heel in her hand. Misato just stared for a second. She looked at the gun that had been poorly hidden in a feather duster. Misato looked at Ritsuko in her maid's outfit.

Misato didn't say a thing, and just slid her door closed, deciding it was better not to ask. Ritsuko stood up and stared at her phone for a while as it rang. She'd recognize Gendo's ringtone anywhere. She sang along a little before answering.

"Wookie Wookie in the kitchen…" she sang to herself as she flipped the lid open. "This is Ritsuko," She listened to his orders for a short while. "What?!" she shouted suddenly. "You want me to call off the hit?! But I'm right here! _Right ing here!_" Ritsuko went silent as she listened to him speak. Finally she nodded and hung up the phone. "You're lucky. Word of advice, Misato, don't you ever stop being stuck not watching Shinji,"

Ritsuko turned and left the house. She jumped into her car and drove away.

* * *

Shinji walked into the apartment. He'd just finished his second dramatic fight with an angel. He wasn't sure how long he could keep picking 'paper' in these fights. He was bound to lose eventually. Luckily, Rei had been there with a 'rock' of her own in case the angel had picked scissors. 

Shinji sat down in his seat at the table with a Danimals X-treme Yogurt Drink. He peeled the lid off and took a sip. A giant strawberry came out of nowhere and hit him in the face.

"What the hell?!" Shinji screamed. "There's strawberry goo _everywhere_! Why?! Why would you do that, Danimals?!" He sat up, covered in pink slop. He rubbed the spot the strawberry had hit him and felt the bruise starting to form. He got some paper towels and started to clean up when Misato suddenly threw her door open.

Misato was wearing a yellow jump suit with a black stripe running down the side. She looked over at Shinji. "Shinji…" she started. "I'm going out for a while. I have to take care of something your father started,"

"Okay," Shinji said as he continued to clean up.

"No, don't try and stop me," Misato argued.

"…feel free to leave," Shinji tried.

"I understand you might be angry at me," Misato responded. "I'll even understand if you want to kill me yourself when your older,"

"…really. You can go," Shinji said once more.

"But I warn you," Misato said sternly. "Don't try to stop me from completing my goal, or I'll be forced to kill you too,"

"Okay, seriously?" Shinji started. "Just leave. I don't care what you're going to do. I'm not going to stop you. Just leave,"

"…I'm sorry. But I can't stay," Misato answered. "This may be the last time I see you. Good bye, Shinji,"

"Bye," Shinji said, returning to his seat at the table. Misato closed the door behind herself. Shinji stared at the door. He didn't get it. "I don't get it," Shinji said. He shrugged and took another sip of his Danimals drink.

"DAMN IT!" Misato heard Shinji scream. "How do they keep throwing giant fruit at me?!" She ignored it and started up a truck parked in front of her apartment. In bold letters on the side it said 'Truck Wagon'. She'd stolen from a man at the hospital she'd never seen before. It was all the wheels she needed to start her mission.

* * *

"Who is it?" called a woman from inside the house as Misato rang a doorbell. She opened the door. Misato stared into the face of the first person she was going to start her revenge with. Dramatic music started playing as Misato stared into her eyes. "Oh, sorry," said the woman. She picked up her cell phone and stopped the dramatic ringtone. "Now then, can I help you?" 

"Martha Stewart?" asked Misato. Martha's eyes widened.

"Oh shit," she said. Misato kicked the woman into the house. She grabbed her by the hair and started slamming her face into the ground. Martha kicked Misato off her and threw her into a glass coffee table. Misato recovered quickly from the assault and grabbed one of the shards of glass, brandishing it like a weapon. Martha grabbed a conveniently placed beer bottle and broke it over the edge of the couch.

"Hello?" called a voice from the door way. A five year old girl was standing in the doorway with a backpack on.

"Hey, sweetie!" called Martha. "How was school?"

"Good…" said the little girl awkwardly.

"Sweetie, do you mind going upstairs and starting your homework? Mommy's busy in a death match with this here," Martha said. Misato smiled.

"Hi there, little girl," Misato said with a motherly smile. "Your mommy's a bitch. My name isn't , it's Misato,"

The little girl nodded and left the room. She hiked up stairs with her backpack in tow. Misato and Martha watched until there was the sound of a door closing. Misato turned to Martha. "Cute kid," she said.

"Thanks. She's my own," Martha said.

"BULLSHIT!" shouted Misato. Then she calmed down. "But if you're serious, congratulations…"

"Would you like some coffee?" Martha asked.

"I'd love some," she replied as she followed Martha into the kitchen.

"How do you take it?" asked Martha.

"I take it black these days," Misato answered.

"Uh-huh. And how would you like your coffee?" Martha asked.

"Extra light, three sugars," Misato responded. She walked into the kitchen with Martha. On the counter was a box of cereal. Misato stared at the cereal box, observing its label. "INSIDE THIS BOX OF 'CEREAL' IS A GUN THAT MARTHA'S GONNA SHOOT YOU WITH," was the title of the cereal box. "…is there a gun inside that box?" Misato asked.

"No," Martha said. "It's a generic Shaw's brand of the cereal KABOOM," Martha pulled a bowl out of the cabinet and poured some cereal into it from the box. She added milk and then put both the box and the milk away. "_This_, on the other hand, is a gun," Martha pulled out a gun from her pocket and shot at Misato.

Misato dove out of the way. She pulled out a knife and threw it at Martha. It hit her in the head, and the fifty-something year old idol of interior designers and stay-at-home parent chefs was dead. Misato nodded and left the house. She jumped back in her 'Truck Wagon' and drove away.

* * *

Shinji yawned as he walked home from another school day. He stretched as he walked. "Like, wait up!" Rei called. She approached him and started up a conversation. "I really liked checkin' out your Unit the other day," Rei said. A crowd of students had formed around them. "It was a lotta fun, and I'd like totally wanna do it again with you," Shinji just stared at her, unsure of what to say. 

"WHORE!" screamed someone from the crowd. Hikari shoved her way into their circle and slammed her backpack into the back of Rei's head. Rei fell to the ground and passed out. The crowd dispersed and Shinji walked away. Suddenly his cell phone started to ring.

"Hello?" he asked as he answered.

"Shinji?" asked Misato's voice.

"Yup," he answered.

"Good. I need about four thousand dollars wired to me," she said.

"What?! How am I supposed to do that?!" he shouted.

"Jeez, you don't have to shout," Misato said. "How else do you expect me to fly to Japan, become fluent in their language, get a hold of Japanese Steel, and locate the Yakuza?"

"…you live in Japan, we're speaking Japanese right now, although the story is in English for fanfic purposes, and you have a katana in your apartment," Shinji answered. "In fact…I'm pretty sure you took it with you when you left this morning,"

"…you're right!" Misato exclaimed. "I'm holding it right now! Alright, well, I'm in the car right now,"

"Wait, you're driving?" asked Shinji.

"Duh," Misato said.

"And holding a cell phone?" Shinji asked.

"Well, I never mastered holding it between my ear and shoulder…" Misato confessed.

"And your other hand is holding your katana," Shinji stated.

"Where are you going with this?" Misato asked.

"How are you driving when both hands are full?" he asked.

"Huh…" Misato said as she noted the car going out of control on a public street, killing two and injuring dozens. "I guess you're right. Well, I'll be going now. Stay out of trouble! Bye!"

Misato hung up, leaving Shinji to stare at the phone blankly.

* * *

"Alright Rei and Shinji," Ritsuko said from Central Dogma. "Concentrate. This is to see your synch ratios," Ritsuko observed the graph on Shinji's synch ratio. She noted how it was getting higher all the time. She was about to turn to Re's graph when suddenly the doors behind them exploded open. 

Misato barged into the room and was being chased by three members of the Yakuza. They were wearing masks and waving their katana around wildly. Misato turned around and loped off one of their arms with her own katana. Blood started firing out of the wound with force equal to that of a shotgun being fired. It sprayed over the computers and over Ritsuko herself.

Misato picked up the arm she had just hacked off and started beating the original owner of the arm over the head with it. She then grabbed her katana and cut off the head of another member. She chucked it at the third like it was a baseball. The third member was a girl, and after just dodging the head that was thrown at her she started running away.

"Get back here, bitch!" Misato shouted as she chased after her with a katana in one hand and the severed arm in the other. Misato and the girl were gone from the room in a matter of minutes. Ritsuko stared at the mess for a while, still covered in blood. Then she turned around.

"Okay, Rei, concentrate as hard as you can. These are synch ratio tests…"

* * *

Misato stood in front of Lucy Liu. Her jump suit was soaked in blood from the 88 or so pawns she'd just slaughtered. Lucy was wearing a white Kimono and had her own katana drawn. She slid off her sandals and stepped barefoot into the cold snow that was falling from the sky. 

"Anything you want to say before we start this?" asked Lucy Liu.

"Aside from how it's snowing in July? Not a thing," Misato readied herself.

"Where'd you get that pathetic weapon?" Lucy Liu asked, motioning towards Misato's katana.

"I bought it at Sears," Misato said, holding it out in front of her. "It's a Fischer Price original,"

"Don't give me that shit!" Lucy shouted. "Fisher Price stopped making those after the great recall of 1998! There's no way you could have one!"

"Well I guess we'll see," Misato said with a smile. Both she and Lucy charged, readying their weapons. The swords clashed in between them. Misato shook off Lucy and tried for another hit. Lucy Liu dodged and swung her own weapon at Misato. Misato ground her teeth as she felt herself get cut in the leg.

Misato turned around and threw her sword at Lucy Liu. The hilt hit Lucy in the forehead and she fell backwards. Misato grabbed her own sword and backed away from Lucy Liu. Lucy Liu stood and stared at the blood coming from a small wound in her side.

"For ridiculing you earlier," Lucy started. "I apologize," Misato nodded.

"You were a good actress in several of your movies," Misato complimented. They both nodded and charged as each other again. After several clashes Lucy Liu stabbed Misato in the thigh. Misato stared at her wound then looked up at Lucy in anger.

"You…_skank!_" Misato shouted. She ran at Lucy Liu and cut her scalp off. Lucy fell to her knees and bowed her head as she was about to die. "And Charlie's Angels sucked! You ruined the original by casting someone to play Bosley! Who do you think you are, the original creator?!"

"I guess that…" she started as she collapsed to the ground. "…really was a Fischer Price original,"

Misato nodded and put her katana away. She limped away from the scene. There were still people she needed to have her revenge on.

* * *

Shinji yawned. He was about to go to bed when the front door opened. Misato limped in, soaked in blood and clutching several of her injuries. "Holy Shit!" shouted Shinji. He ran over to her and supported her back to her room. "What happened?!" 

"This…is the price we pay for trying to play God," Misato said. "Who was I to try and transmute my mother?"

"…wrong anime," Shinji said.

"Oh! Right," Misato said. "Well, I'm going to head off to bed now. You be sure and drink up plenty of vodka! You got a big day of school tomorrow!"

"Gee, thanks Ms. Lohan," Shinji muttered.

"Why you gotta hate on Lindsey?" asked Misato.

"She knows what she did," Shinji said. He glared at the camera as it zoomed out, away from the scene.

* * *

To be continued in a chapter that isn't chapter 4!

* * *

There was the incredibly amazing third chappie! Hope you guys liked it. We'll be back soon with chapter four, and we'll even return to parodying the original storyline! (view disclaimer at bottom) 

Well, see you guys later! Please review!

Disclaimer: not a guarantee.


	4. I Wanna be a Porn Star

K: Wat up Fan Fict peoplez!

P: This sure was on hiatus for a while…

K: Yeah, we sure were lazy.

P:…wait, aren't you the one in charge of actually writing?

K: We just wanted to say thanks to everyone for reading this piece of crap!

P:…and didn't you finish you other fan fiction like, five months ago?

K: It means a lot that you review!

P: You really don't have any excuse, do you?

K: GOD HELP YOU P, I WILL F------ TURN THIS CAR AROUND!

Thanks for reading peoples. Of course, a quick memo, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ IT, though, flames are welcome, it'll be fun to answer your hate!

Dedication: **Happy Sweet 16, Misato's chest!**

Disclaimer: Eva isn't ours, though we'll never forget that hot weekend we had with it at the clubhouse…

Wow, polar bears should _not_ give this to their children….

* * *

Episode 4: I Wanna be a Porn Star

PREVIOUSLY, ON EVANGELION

Gendo: You have exactly twenty-four hours to meet my demands, or I will destroy all of Tokyo-48.5!

(In Misato's apartment)

Misato: It's just one more!

Ritsuko: That's what you said five shots of vodka ago! How many more glasses are you going to dirty?!

Misato: …You're right…(throw's an empty glass at the wall, starts drinking straight from the bottle).

(In the White House)

Man: Mr. President, they have your daughter.

President: Christ…

(In School)

Rei: Shinji, we need to talk.

Shinji: I don't have the time! I have to stop liberals from setting off a bomb that will kill a million orphans and innocent families!

Rei: That can wait! Shinji…I'm pregnant.

(At a train station. Shinji's standing in front of Misato, Rei, and Ritsuko)

Shinji: I'm sorry but… I can't pilot the Eva anymore… I'm going home.

Misato: Fine! We don't need you! We have…

Rei: Like, me!

Misato: …oh shit

AND NOW, THE THRILLING NEXT CHAPTER!!!

Shinji walked down the halls of NERV behind Misato.

"I'm glad to see you decided not to quit," Misato commented.

"How could I? The story would end about twenty chapters early if I'd done that," Shinji said.

"I suppose you're right," Misato muttered. "None of us want to be out of work again. Ya know, for a popular anime they sure let us die quickly. Why couldn't they do that with Dragon Ball Z?"

"I see you didn't quit," came a voice from up ahead.

"Rei," Shinji said to himself.

"Just to let you know, I could have piloted your Eva perfectly fine," Rei strolled off after that comment. Shinji just stared at her as she left his sight.

"Wow…" he started. "What a _bitch_!" Shinji shouted.

"Oh my God" Misato shouted. "You think so too?! I thought I was the only one who hated that little tramp!"

"Is it really okay for a commander to talk like that?" Shinji asked.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were such a Girl Scout," Misato grumbled. They continued walking down the hall with Misato grumbling about how Shinji never sold her a box of cookies. After walking a few more feet they calm upon a window that showed an area where Gendo was talking to someone. Shinji noticed he wasn't wearing his gloves.

"Hey, did you ever wonder how he burnt his hands?' Shinji asked.

"Well," Misato started. "It happened a while ago…"

FLASH-BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Alright, let's begin the test," Ritsuko said. Rei was inside Unit-00, awaiting further orders. "Fire up the synch-thingy!"

Unit-00 remained still.

"Oh my God! It's out of control!" Ritsuko shouted. An alarm went off in Central Dogma. "Quick! Diagnostics!"

"The unit is rejecting Rei!" shrieked a worker.

"Oh God, the carnage!" screamed Ritsuko. Gendo walked into the room.

"What's going on here?" he demanded.

"Take a look for yourself!" shouted Ritsuko. Gendo observed the unmoving Unit-00.

"Oh shit!" He shouted. "Get her out of there!" Someone slammed their fist on the eject button.

"Like, what's going on?" Rei asked from within the entry plug. The sudden lurching motion of the plug being ejected snapped her neck. When it finally crashed to the ground, Gendo whipped off his protective, heat resistant gloves and grabbed the burning steel of the door to the plug.

"Agh! It burns! If only I had a pair of heat-proof gloves!" He finally pried the door open and grabbed Rei's limp and cold body. "Thank God! You're all right!" He dragged her body out of the plug and put her on her feet. "She's okay!" Rei's dead body collapsed to the ground in a crumpled pile.

"YEAH!!!" shrieked the crowd in Central Dogma. Everyone grabbed champagne and started shaking the bottles furiously in celebration.

END OF FLASH BACK!

"And that's how it happened," Misato said.

"…how?" Shinji asked.

"What?" Misato responded.

"All you said was FLASHBACK! And then END OF FLASHBACK!" Shinji noted.

"Oh…Well, time for you to go get Rei!" she exclaimed.

"What?" Shinji said, surprised.

"Rei's needed here at NERV and right now she's at home, so you have to go get her," Misato said slowly as if Shinji was challenged.

"But we just walked by her!" Shinji yelled.

"And that was when she went home. Now she's needed at NERV!" Misato said, obviously irritated. "Now go!"

"Why would I-

* * *

"-go?" Shinji looked around and noted that he was standing in front of Rei's apartment. "Damn scene-change mechanism…." muttered Shinji. He knocked on her door a few times before simply walking in.

"Rei?" he called. He looked around for a few minutes before walking over to her desk. There was a case of glasses there. He picked them up and looked at them. He never knew Rei wore glasses. Intrigued, he slid them on. He blinked for a few times and looked around. Rei was standing behind him completely naked, except for a crimson towel draped over her neck.

"Oh my…Rei! I'm sorry! I didn't know you were in the shower!" Shinji stuttered.

"Who says I was in the shower?" Rei said. "Now can I have those back?" Rei walked towards him, trying to grab the glasses. Shinji slipped and fell forward onto Rei. He just sat there on top of her, staring into her crimson eyes. "Wow…this is _hot_…"

"Really?" asked Shinji.

"No," Rei said. "Now do you mind standing up?" Shinji stood up and backed away.

"Uh…" he started. "Sorry. It's just that I'm straight and all…"

"I could tell. I felt your Unit," Rei commented as she pulled on some clothes. "Pretty nice by the way,"

"Really?" Shinji asked. "'Cause my old camp counselor said so too but I thought he said that to all the boys… So why do you have a pair of my dad's glasses?"

"They're a fun toy," Rei commented dryly. Before Shinji could ask what she meant she turned him around so he could look at her.

"HOLY SHIT!" Shinji shouted. Rei was wearing a thong strapped to a pair of tights and nothing above that except for a piece of string just wide enough to keep this fic T.

"I have a confession Shinji," Rei said calmly. "I have a dream… to be a porn star! Just in one film I want to be the star!"

"Rei, I don't think-,"

"I want millions of people to look at me as I choke the colonel!"

"I think you mean chicken-,"

"I want to remove these oppressive clothes and be free!" Rei shouted. "But I have a confession,"

"What?" Shinji said as his voice cracked.

"I…can't get it up!" Rei said with a cry.

"…what?" Shinji asked. Rei walked over to her bed and sat down with a jiggle. She motioned for Shinji to sit next to her. Shinji reluctantly sat down on the bed next to her.

"I…" Rei started as her face turned red. "I have VD!"

"…_WHAT?!_" Shinji shouted.

"I've tried everything from Viagra to Coco Puffs but nothing will give me a stiffy!" Rei started to cry.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS FIC?!?!" Shinji screamed. He stood up.

"Shinji wait!" Rei shouted. "I want you to try and help me get it up!" Before Shinji could respond, a single scream erupted from the city streets, and only got louder as the source of the voice came closer to Rei's apartment.

"WHOOOOORE!!!" Hikari shouted, only stopping when she finally barged into Rei's apartment. She grabbed a chair and broke it over the back of Rei's head. Hikari looked over at Shinji and blew the hair away from her eyes. "Oh, hey Shinji," Hikari said as if she hadn't just run into Rei's apartment to break a chair on the pale-skinned girl.

Hikari left and closed the door behind her. Shinji stared at Rei bleeding out on the floor of her apartment. "Well…" he started. "I'd call the cops but I don't want to be brought up on charges of prostitution…and I'm sure the same can be said about you, so… But hey! You've died before and come back! Here's hoping it'll happen twice!" He crossed his fingers and walked towards the door. "So uh…good luck with all that…and uh…later!"

* * *

"I'm home!" Shinji called as he stepped into Misato's apartment. Misato was sitting at the table.

"Seriously, every time you say that I plan another detail of you're death…" Misato muttered.

"What?" asked Shinji.

"So how was Rei's?" Misato asked.

"I'd rather not talk about it…" Shinji admitted.

"…did you give it to her?" Misato asked.

"What?!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Did you give her her new ID card?" Misato asked.

"What ID card?" Shinji asked. "You never gave me an ID card,"

"I gave you one before the scene change," Misato said. "Check your pocket." Shinji reached into his pocked and pulled out a new ID card. "Just give it to her tomorrow," Upon seeing Shinji sigh she clarified. "The _ID_ _card_…"

"Oh! Right. Well, I'm going to bed now, so…"

"Night!" Misato exclaimed. With that, Shinji left for his room.

* * *

Shinji was walking towards NERV when he saw Rei up ahead. "How can I talk to her after what happened yesterday, never mind the fact that she's defied the laws of death twice…" he muttered.

"Like, Oh Em GEE! What up, Shinji?!" Rei called.

"Uh…I got you a new ID card…" Shinji handed it to her.

"Thanks! That's totally awesome. Oh, and later, I'm firing up my Unit fir the first time in a while. You want to watch?" Rei asked.

A few minutes later, Rei was in Unit-00, and Ritsuko was running an activation test. "So she was talking about the Eva again…" Shinji muttered, and then he sighed. He recalled their conversation from earlier.

A SECOND FLASHBACK!!!

"So are you scared to be a pilot?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, a little," Rei admitted. "I mean, they were made by _Gendo_…"

"Damn, bitch," Shinji said. "He saved your life and you don't even care?"

END OF CRAPPY FLASHBACK!

Suddenly an alarm went off. The words 'ANGEL ATTACK' flashed on every computer screen. "It's and Angel!"

"No, really?" Misato asked. "Ya know, here I thought the words 'ANGEL ATTACK' meant there _wasn't_ an Angel. I mean, come on! Could you suck any more at life?"

Ritsuko ran off crying. Misato turned to Gendo. "So should we send Unit-00 up to fight the Angel?"

"No," Gendo said. "I have a better idea!" He stood up and took off his sunglasses for dramatic effect. "Instead of sending the Eva that's already prepared and piloted by a much more experienced pilot, let's send Shinji up in Unit-01!"

"Brilliant, Commander!" Maya shouted.

"That's why they call me…_The Gendinator_," Shinji just stared for a second.

"No one calls you that," he said.

"You wanna be a wise ass? Fine! No weapons! Let's see how you fight an Angel without any kind of weapon! Yeah! Take that, ya little bitch! How's that feel? And God help you if you die! You will be _soooo_ grounded if you die!" Gendo shouted.

* * *

And that is the long awaited fourth chapter! So did that disappoint you? It disappointed me……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………..ANYWAY!

Thanks for reading, and drop a review! Who knows? Maybe it'll get better!


End file.
